Erumely to Panjal

I should clarify couple things first...
# I speak fluent Malayalam and while I cannot read it as well I can manage few essential things such as movie names, newspaper headlines, bus destinations and such.
# I am NOT a mineral-water-drinking-ipod-showing-off NRI (not really Indian). I am just someone who is not very comfortable in unfamiliar places.

After spending 2 days at my in-laws I was on my way back home. My wife and daughter were going to spend few more days there so this was a solo-trip. My BIL aka brother-in-law dropped me off at Kottayam (google map might be needed or just picture a Kerala city with rich rubber-achayans or rich-christians-with rubber estates). On the way he picked up couple more shirts for me. BTW, I really wish I had an appetite for power dressing because this trip has given me plenty of shirts. As per my wife's prediction those shirts will stay in the closet while I wear my 'loser' t-shirts to work. My BIL said I should get into the A/C coach to avoid the mad rush. Fine...never say no to comfort. It is a 3-hr trip during the day so there is no reservation. I was told I can board the train with a sleeper-class ticket and ask the TTR to 'upgrade' me. Coolio...

Situation #1
I walk into the A/C coach. People are power napping on all seats. Great! Since I don't have a reservation I really can't ask anyone to move. But what are the odds! I find a window seat totally empty...or so I had presumed. I joyfully jumped into the seat and make myself comfortable. As I was settling down a dude walks up to me and goes "yeh aapka seat hey?". Nahi, kyun, aapka hey?, I ask him trying to show off my hindi skills. That didn't seem to impress him because he abandoned hindi and moved on to English. "This is my seat. I have a pillow here". I look around and find a A/C coach car complimentary pillow next to me. I knew what this dude was trying to do. "There is a pillow on every seat so are they all your seats?", I ask him. The guy who was power napping all this while felt this was worth breaking his nap so literally rose to the occasion and says "Saamy...". OK, so I left a minor detail from this. The "dude" was on his way back from Sabarimala. The power-napper was hinting that I should let go off the seat because he is a saamy. Well, I wasn't going to. Traveling in India is tough and I usually have my claws out when I travel so I wasn't going to back out. The dude walks away. Phew! A minute later he comes back with 4 other saamys. Great. The saamys are going to muscle me out of my seat. So trying to sound all confident and bold I go "What is it that you want? This seat?" Yes, the dude goes. "Sorry, I cannot do that", I go. As soon as those words left my mouth I realized it was a dumb thing to say. All I did was provoke him and I was in no position to take these guys on. "Wait here..TTR will come now", the dude warns me. Fine, I am going nowhere. A lot of thoughts go in my mind. The TTR is probably more religious than me so clearly he will throw me out of this seat and give it to saamy. Worse he might even insult me in front of everyone. I did think about relinquishing the seat but my ego is too big for that. Nervously but not showing it at all I sit and wait for the TTR. I could blog just about the TTRs in India. You would think people have gathered around a celebrity but they are just standing around the TTR to get their seat confirmed. Minutes go by and every now and then the saamy and his group would drop likes "TTR is in next seat..wait", almost like a threat. Tick tock...tick tock. TTR walks in and it couldn't have been more uneventful. He asks for my ticket. I give him my sleeper class ticket. He goes "175 rupees". Paid...done. He walks away. The saamy in total disbelief goes "Sir..seat". "Come come come..." and the TTR walks away. Phew...I felt pretty proud. I had stood ground and held on to my seat...yay! The rest of this train journey was as uneventful as the TTR's entry.

Situation #2
I get off at Thrissur station and walk out to find an auto. I had to go to 'vadakkey stand (north stand)'. In less than a minute I realized that this wasn't going to be easy. Apparently, it was rush hour which is really all time in India I think. There were a bunch of folks waiting for autos. Autos were in such high demand that they did a quick screening of passengers. The auto driver would slow down to a waving customer and raise his eyebrows as he makes eye contact. The customer calls out his destination and if it pleases his holiness he will stop to pick up the customer. If he is not interested he will just speed away to the next guy and follow the same protocol. I wasn't sure if vadakkey stand was a popular one. I figured it is a bus stand so they will be interested. Just as I was settling down with these thoughts a bunch of women stand in between me and the next customer. What the! Now I won't even make it to the screening. Geez...fine. I decided to move up the line by walking half a kilometer. The good news is plenty of autos came by but the bad news was I failed all their screening tests. Vadakkey stand wasn't popular after all. It was really frustrating. Even Simon Cowell is more courteous to folks auditioning for American Idol! After a dozen of them passed by, an auto slowed down and it looked promising. However, the words vadakkey stand didn't help at all. Just as he was about to speed away, I held on to the auto "oru minutey". The guy felt bad for me and explained the situation. Apparently, the roads to vadakkey stand are completely blocked during this hour so it is really not worth the trip. He said if I can walk up to certain place and cross the road I will have better luck. Well, can you take me to that point? He thought for couple seconds and said fine. We reach the "point" and he goes "enna pottey...vadakkey stand engil vadakkey stand". Yoohoo...he is going to drop me at vadakkey stand.

Some out of place prologue..
Kerala is notorious for few things - coconuts, gulf or gelf money, monsoon, hartals and road rash. The road situation is pretty much like a jungle. The top of the food chain are buses. Commuter buses are privately owned as well so they are extremely competitive. You can easily let go your six-flags season tickets if you plan on riding these buses. The bus ride is just like riding a roller coaster. So the buses will do whatever it takes to get past anybody else. Next comes the lorries or in mallu-fashion lowrees. Mallus even call most of the lowrees 'Pandi lowrees' indicating the lowrees that come from other states mostly from Tamilnadu. Taxi cabs, private cars and autos follow in this order. And yes, pedestrians are at the bottom, ready to become road-kills.

Situation #3
After the benevolent auto driver dropped me off at the vadakkey stand, I walk to find the bus to Panjal. I find the bus but it looks almost full with no seats. If riding a bus seated is like a roller coaster riding it standing is like being thrown off a cliff and bouncing off rocks. I walk up to the "kili" whose role I will explain shortly and asks if there are any seats. He says oh yeah plenty. He takes up the bus and walks to the ladies section and asks the only female passenger to move to another ladies seat and asks me to sit there. What the hell! What if other women come? "Chumma iri sarey", he yells out and walks away. So the kili is short for cleaner. As I understand it the kili has two primary duties. One being to clean the bus. The other which is more important is to make sure people get in and get out of the bus fast. The kili stands by the front door and whistles when nearing a stop. The bus will stop only when there are people are ready to board or wanting to get off. Sometimes when the situation is somewhat unclear the bus will slow down and the kili will do a quick assessment and whistle away. After the traumatic ride in the bus even the passengers want to get out immediately and the kili's push doesn't bother them too much. So I sat down in this seat but keep worrying about the possibility of a woman getting on board and making the rightful claim to this seat. As I am completing this thought few women get on board. Oh shoot! What do I do? Do I claim the freakin kili put me here if asked? Or just be a gentleman and get out of their seat. There is such a thing as luck. A dude sitting the gents section gets up and leaves. Must have changed his mind. I quickly jumped to his seat. The guy in the other seat gives me a dirty look but whatever...After several traumatic turns and sudden brakes I hear the stop before mine. Time to stand up. I was holding on to the bars with every muscle I got for the next 5 minutes. And the kili's push couldn't have earlier...

Finally..I was home. The end!