This is me...unedited...unrated...read at your own risk!

This blog goes into my personal space…ok you are warned now.

When you are stopped at a traffic light next to hot woman in a car and you find yourself looking at the car...you should wonder, "What is wrong with me?" She was driving a Cadillac Escalade and my dream of owning a “fancy” car explains what is “wrong” with me.

So why don’t I own a fancy car? What stops me? Among the million other reasons why I don’t drive a Cadillac Escalade or an ML or an X5, there is one I cannot change…it’s Me.

I don’t need anyone to talk me out of it. I have talked myself out of it so many times that thoughts of buying one, owning it, driving it, not buying it, not owning and not driving it all happen in a flash now. My mind races through those entire set of thoughts, well, without even thinking.

Folks close to me have seen me go through this craziness so many times and just shake their heads. I wouldn’t blame them since I have talked so many times of buying “the car I love”. I have also even been told, “If you are so crazy about it, why don’t you just do it?” I wish it was that simple to me. I wish I could see things that way. I don’t. I simply don’t think I am set up to act on such emotions. I have to dig deep into my mind to find out what makes me do what I do. It is a frustrating process when the one thing you have to change is your own mind entirely under your control, yet, it is not.

So after playing a shrink for myself…here is my analysis.

Phase 1:
I grew up in a family that respected the value of money a great deal. There were several times when I was unhappy with my parents for being so “conservative” about spending money. I failed to understand why something so simple as buying things had to be so complicated. Now don’t get me wrong. I had a pretty comfortable childhood. The “things” that I mentioned are things like wanting to buy a new shoe when the old one is just fine or wanting to ride a auto-rickshaw when the bus ride is just fine. Our family’s monetary ability increased as I grew up and I only found my desire to want “things” get bigger. I needed a motorcycle of course. When I was in my 3rd year of college, my dad asked me to come along with him. He took me to a Yamaha showroom and said I could buy a bike right there. “Just like that?”, I asked. Yes. He paid cash down on the motorcycle and I rode it home. It is probably one of the happiest days in my life. I think about it today and it is probably because my parents spent money wisely, they were able to buy me a motorcycle when I had no reason to own a motorcycle.

Phase 2:
When I was penniless, desperate and helpless in the early years of this decade, my respect for money only increased. I kept drilling into my head that if there is a universal truth it is that you either have money or you don’t. There is no middle ground. Even if there is it means nothing. I could have money, I had money, I want to have money, I should have don’t mean anything when what you need is money…I decided when I get money I will learn to control it. I promised myself I will never find myself in a situation like that before. I promised myself that I will never feel helpless because I do not have money.

I am in no way a miser. I wish I was. I would have a lot more money. So my theory is this. What I do is I look for things I can talk myself out of and I obsess about it. I develop this weird emotion where I feel frustration and pride at the same time. I am frustrated that I couldn’t go buy my X5 but at the same time I pride at my control on my desires. I feel defeated by myself yet feel successful having "controlled money". There is no right or wrong. I have a system. I have it running. I do not know if it working for me or against me. I do know that it is killing some brain cells.

What happens to my system and me can only be answered over time…I am looking at motorcycles now that I have exhausted all car thoughts. You never know. My system might break and I might actually give in to one of these things.