My Quest

My wife and I are sitting on the floor in our family room with our backs against the couch and my 1 yr old daughter is playing in the general area. She stops by the coffee table and is intrigued by the photo envelopes on them. They are right in the middle of the table so she is unable to reach them. She retries from different supposed-vantage points but is unable to secure the envelopes. It must be of great interest to her because after trying for couple minutes, she turns around, looks at both of us, and after confirming she has our attention starts crying (and I commonly refer to as the fake crying distinctly marked by no tears). My wife and I have been trying to not give her something as soon as she starts crying to avoid her going into the habit of crying for anything she wants. Yes, we are novice parents trying out different theories. She probably does this for about a minute and then turns around and walks away. I turn to wife and check if there is anything in the envelope and if it OK for my daughter to have. Yes, she says. As I proceed to pick up one of the envelopes, my wife confidently claims that it is of no importance to my daughter anymore. No, she will still appreciate that I gave it to her so I pick it up and leave it close enough for her to pick it up. By now, her attention is fully on something else and doesn’t even notice the envelope. So OK my wife was right, again! After a few minutes, my daughter is walking around the area and there…she notices the envelopes and in what looked like pure impulse picks up and starts playing with it.

This event as much common and typical as it was, somehow registered in my mind. I couldn't shelve it anywhere and I found it bouncing around my head for a while. And I kept thinking why, why am I remembering this? What is its significance? What is my conscience telling my brain? It wasn’t until this morning that I had an epiphany sorts and this is my theory.

I over analyze things. I use a lot of “but” in my thoughts and while I feel I am generally a positive thinker, I question the good-to-be-true of many things and get impatient and frustrated about not-so-good of many things. I recently mentioned to my wife that I feel like I am in a box. I feel every forward motion I make or happens to me only gets me to another “side” of the box. Here is how a simple thought I have would be like.

Hmm…I like what I do but…it is not secure. I am healthy…but I am balding. My commute is not too bad…but it is not too flexible with the train. I have a decent car…but it is not a hybrid high end SUV. I love Chicago…but the winter is freaking long. But…but…but…I am trying to think of stuff without using “but” and I am realizing that it is not easy.

I have something to learn from my 1 yr old here. That photo envelope was probably really important for her at that moment. But she moved on and found something else she liked. She continued on her quest after that and found the envelope. She recognized it instantly and did exactly what she wanted to do earlier except it was within her reach now.

I am oversimplifying things here but I think underneath everything the principle is the same. It is how we reach for something, are unable to reach it and instead of moving on try to go back to the same thing over and over again without ever seeing the possibilities outside of it. Now, you should try few times, many times like how my 1 yr old tried to reach the envelope from many points of the table. What is crucial is the ability to go beyond the frustration and look for more opportunities. I do not have that ability. Not right now anyway. But maybe it is time I work on it. Until then, I am going to be in a box. I will find success and I do but I will only find myself in a bigger box then. A box layered with “but”…

Is it because I am not content? Is it because I am greedy? Is it because I am ambitious? I don’t know. I will continue through life and my experiences will take me some place. And in that pursuit or when I finally get there I should be able answer those questions. It is my quest…and yes, I will find my photo envelope.